Mention the phrase “commitment phobic” in a casual conversation, and you will often hear women complaining about men. For a long time, that complaint had a kernel of truth. It is a relationship puzzle that has lingered for decades. But is it exclusively a male phenomenon? Probably not.
Historically, a woman’s path was clear. She graduated high school, got married, and had children. Then the 1960s arrived. Women became movers and shakers in a world previously dominated by men. Those new gains brought new attitudes. Love and marriage changed.
Thirty years later, the question remains. Did the revolution turn former societal expectations on their head? Not really. Even today, in the 21st century, the notion that women should marry and have children still exists.
This creates a larger question. Can societal expectations and the new freedom women discovered decades ago co-exist without wreaking havoc between men and women?
To find the answer, we spoke to relationship counselor Audrey Chapman, author of Getting Good Loving and Seven Attitude Adjustments to Finding a Loving Man. Chapman says the confusion over a woman’s main role in society has caused a state commonly known as commitment phobia in both men and women.
Origins of the divide
Q: What has caused this disjointedness between men and women?
A: Audrey Chapman: I think now because of the last 20-30 years – the sexual revolution, the women’s movement, all kinds of changes of where women have been out there ‘doing men,’ they’ve gotten burned. Now they have as much commitment phobia as the men do.
I think the men became frightened of the women’s so-called liberation and so-called freedom and so-called ability to call their own shots in the relationship. It threw the normal patterns and roles off and men were lost as to what to do.
In Backlash: The Undeclared War Against Women, author Susan Faludi discusses the backlash from the women’s movement and what it did to men. She says that men became so frightened and so leery of women that they became ambivalent about their desire to relate to women in a serious manner. They had a need to have a woman in their life but they were simply reluctant to do so.
Men had a need for partnership, yet they became too scared of the new female autonomy to step forward.
Which women fall into the commitment-phobia category?
Q: In your book Seven Attitude Adjustments to Finding a Loving Man, you mention four types of women who fall into the commitment-phobia category. What are those types?
A: Audrey Chapman: There’s the Pity Party-Goer. She’s always whining and complaining, setting herself up in relationships that couldn’t work so she can keep proving to herself that relationships don’t work. She’s got a self-fulfilling prophecy going on and she believes it. So she just selects people that are going to keep reinforcing it.
Then there’s The Boomerang. She keeps leaving and returning and leaving and returning to the same failing relationship, and she does it for a period of years. But that’s her way of avoiding commitment.
The next one is The Detective. She is in constant search of the perfect man, the best man, the macho man, the gorgeous man, the professional man, the well-dressed man and the man with the slamming body – and he’s got to fit that entire criteria or it doesn’t work. If she meets a man who is well endowed, has a nice body, is professional, makes good money and seems to be attentive and kind…but has one false eye, she doesn’t want him.
And finally the Picky Picker. She finds a suitable man and then picks him apart piece-by-piece. He doesn’t drive the right car, he doesn’t make enough money, he’s bald, he’s too short, he has too much belly. In the end, no one meets her stringent requirements.
Is traditional men still more afraid than women?
Q: But traditional men seem more apt to be afraid of commitment than women. Is that still true?
A: Audrey Chapman: In today’s society it’s about the same. At one point the stereotype was that men saw marriage as an end to everything and women saw it as a gain. Now with women having such prosperous careers – and also how long it takes to get a career off the ground – you have as many women who are avoiding it as men.
Why He Pulls Away: The Roots of Avoidance
It’s tempting to think the guy who ghosts or dodges the “talk” is broken. He isn’t. He’s usually carrying baggage from his childhood, and it has nothing to do with your hair color or your career.
Audrey Chapman points out that many men were raised in homes where they never saw a healthy, faithful partnership. Maybe the dad was absent. Maybe the mom was the boss, or maybe the family dynamics were chaotic. If you grew up watching your parents navigate infidelity or neglect, you build a defense wall before you even know you’re building it.
By the time a man hits 30 or 40, he’s not reacting to you. He’s reacting to an accumulation of old, unfinished business. You are not the culprit. You are not the cause. That distinction matters because it lets you stop taking his avoidance personally.
Is Choosing Not to Marry Actually a Fear?
Not necessarily. We need to stop equating “single” with “scared.”
Society loves to pressure people into fitting a mold. Couples who choose not to have kids get bombarded with questions about where the babies are. People who choose not to marry get treated like oddballs. It’s a weird cultural obsession with conformity.
If you’re content being single, that’s a valid choice. It’s not a symptom. It’s a lifestyle. The only reason it feels like a failure is because other people think it should be a failure.
Practical Steps to Break the Cycle
If you are stuck in a relationship that feels like a loop of anxiety and withdrawal, here is how to shift the dynamic. These aren’t just platitudes; they are actionable mindsets.
1. Be brutally honest with yourself
Stop performing perfection. You don’t have to be flawless to be lovable. Forgiving yourself for your own mistakes is the first step to breaking the pattern. If you’re white-knuckling your way through self-criticism, you’re stuck.
2. Audit your lifestyle and love style
Look at your life without the rose-tinted glasses. What are you actually doing? What are you actually expecting? A clearheaded appraisal helps you see exactly what needs to change. You can’t fix what you won’t look at directly.
3. Take full responsibility
This is the hard part. You and you alone control your life. If something goes wrong in the dynamic, don’t point the finger at him. Blame-shifting is a dead end. Own your part of the equation.
4. Face the fear, then step back
Confronting fear is terrifying. It might mean ending a relationship that felt urgent or obsessive. Think about the intensity of Fatal Attraction. That level of fixation is often just fear in overdrive.
Here’s the counterintuitive part: sometimes the most empowering move is to end the relationship and sit alone for a while. It sounds harsh. It’s not. It proves to yourself that you can survive without him. That shift in power changes everything.
5. Trust the timing
Life doesn’t end because the right person isn’t in your bed right now.
“Men are like buses. If you miss one, wait, and another one will come along.”
One woman in Chapman’s sessions said it best. It’s simple, but it works. You don’t have to chase the bus. You have to wait for the right one to pull up.
The Bottom Line
Commitment phobia isn’t a character flaw. It’s a response to history. And your role isn’t to fix his history. It’s to manage your own response to it.
Stay grounded. Stay accountable. And when the fear gets loud, remember that your worth isn’t tied to a specific man’s ability to show up. The bus is coming. Or it isn’t. Either way, you’re still standing.
