Early parenthood is cozy. Support groups, playground chats, school drop-off camaraderie. Then comes middle school.
The vibe shifts. Instantly.
“The loneliest time for a parent is usually when their kid starts middle school,” says Dr. Sheryl Ziegler. A licensed therapist. Good Inside expert.
Stakes get bigger. Doors slam.
Parents feel abandoned.
Nobody talks about the loneliness. Ziegler knows why. Good Inside, that parenting brain-trust led by Dr. Becky Kennedy, is filling the void.
“Me too. My kid too.”
Hearing those words from another exhausted parent? It stops the spiral.
Ziegler dropped by SheKnows to talk through the mess.
Why Your Kid Suddenly Hates You
Before nine? You’re god.
Ziegler calls it the “moon hanger” phase. Kids think you control everything. You fix things. You answer questions.
Puberty ruins this.
Not emotionally. Biologically.
A massive rewiring happens. First, the limbic system goes wild. This part drives social survival. Friends become oxygen. Belonging feels like life or death.
The prefrontal cortex? The logic center. It’s moving in slow motion.
Mismatched software.
You get a kid who wants your lap one second, and hates your laugh the next.
Ziegler insists it’s not attitude.
It’s wiring.
You’re not failing. Their brain is under construction.
How to Connect With a Brick Wall
Some tweens share. Others retreat.
Shut doors. Silent treatment.
Ziegler calls the resulting parental pain “grief.” Real heartbreak. You walk on eggshells now.
She offers two tricks.
First: Go shoulder to shoulder.
Stop demanding eye contact. Asking “How was your day?” face-to-face feels like an interrogation to a stressed teen. They can’t articulate why. But it overwhelms them.
Drive. Cook. Walk.
Look ahead. Ask something casual. No eye contact. Lower stakes.
Second: Enter through the back door.
Don’t interrogate about prom plans. You’ll get one-word answers.
Try a side approach.
“I heard you’re meeting up at 6:30.” Or mention a new movie. Keep it light. No pressure to perform.
Most parents give up.
Ziegler says hang in there. Teens pretend they don’t need you. They lie.
Teens still need parents. Just in different ways.
Stop Trying to Be Besties
Some parents chase the BFF dream.
Shopping trips. Sports games. Best friends forever.
Ziegler gets the appeal. It feels good.
It’s dangerous.
A parent’s job is to hold the boundary. To be the container for their feelings.
If you act like a friend, the boundary vanishes. The teen feels unsafe.
Why?
Because kids need you to be in charge. Even when they scream that they don’t need anyone.
Drop the act. Be permissive and you lose respect.
It gets confusing for the teen, too. You’re “cool” for three days, then you have to enforce a curfew.
“What happened to our friendship?” they’ll ask.
Don’t take it personally.
Parenting is a marathon. The teen years require a shift in identity.
Be the home base.
Let them be explorers. Send them out into the world to take risks. To feel scary things.
When they crash back to shore, you need to be steady.
“You did something risky. It was terrifying. But I am here. I have got you.”
That’s the only way.
Are you ready to be boringly steady?
